


Now As Strangers

by MrsnMrsAird



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 18:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6021208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsnMrsAird/pseuds/MrsnMrsAird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Carol never sends for Therese to meet her at the Ritz. They meet later as they are employed by the same person at an exhibition, where Carol is the outfitter of the place and Therese is covering the event for the Times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now As Strangers

Lights and fog merge on the taxi window, smearing the colours of New York on glass, which seem iridescent with each passing neon sign. Another uncomfortable social gathering, what a pain, but knowing that she would not be introduced as Mrs Aird tonight took some sting out of it. Tonight she was the outfitter of an art gallery, Stevie had convinced her some how to take up this job, claiming she had an eye for interior design that no one had. Flattery only gets you so far and yet here she was in a catalina blue dress and suede heels, that she would kick off the minute she got the chance to and headed to the opening. It was going to be a sparkling and brilliant introduction to a flurry of new artists to the lights of New York. Artwork to be looked at and forgot; only to exist in memories at the backdrop of polite conversations with nightly made acquaintances. There were multiple scenarios in her head, of what kind of people she’ll meet, what kind of night she’ll be having, whether they’ll be opposed to her smoking or not. The gallery came up to her left, she exited the taxi after double checking her make up in her compact mirror, she tipped the taxi driver extra after almost forgetting to pay him at all. Stevie waited for her outside the door; short, board, salt and pepper hair slicked back and wearing a perfectly tailored suit, a man handsome enough to like but not smart enough to bear for an entire evening. Pleasantries were made and both of them made their way up.

Stevie had being going on about what a great job she had done and if she was honest, she had been quite fond of what she was able to do with the space. On 23rd floor of a newly constructed building, the exhibition was held in what could be taken as a ballroom, tactfully decorated with antiques that had been brought to the 20th century by her store. The crowd seemed to blend together, with no one standing out or not fitting in, a sea of art enthusiasts and people who hadn’t anything to do.

And now started the long ordeal of introductions that would carry on throughout the night. The real art on display tonight were the ways people tastefully boasted about themselves with such a blatant pretense of humility. Carol decided she would pay along for an hour or so till she could feign illness and leave. Home isn’t exactly a mood enhancer but at least she could down a glass of whiskey there and no one would shoot a glance at her, mainly because there was no one there to do said thing. Stevie brings over the media of the event; the event was being covered by The Times. Her eyes settled on the person who Stevie was bringing over and she froze, she swigged from her wine glass to return some colour to her face. It couldn’t be her.

“Carol, I’d like you to meet the photographer for tonight, Miss Therese Belivet”

It would be folly to say Carol hadn’t lost every sense in her body for a solid minute when her mind truly registered who had appeared before her. Therese had cropped her hair short and wore a gorgeous fitted jade dress with black heels. She now carried herself with this aura of confidence that made her almost unrecognisable but you could still see that apprehension she had of talking to new people, she still held that shyness behind the professional smile she wore on her face. Therese’s smile dropped the minute she met grey eyes studying her intently. Carol felt immensely attracted and proud seeing her having blossomed into this fine young woman. But was it even in her place to be proud? What was she to Therese to even feel anything at all? She wasn’t there to witness this evolution; she wasn’t there to see what she was between this change. Her mood instantly soured and she ached for a cigarette. Carol could see Therese was equally shocked but she also saw something else, something that reflected in the stiffness of Therese’s posture now and in the slight knit of her brows. Stevie must have felt the tension in between them or maybe he was completely oblivious to it because a wise man would not break whatever calm held back a storm.

“You two know each other from somewhere?”

“We are.. familiar”

Carol spoke, still studying Therese, still trying to find what changed in her eyes the minute she saw her. They politely shook hands, which sent a jolt within Carol. It’s as if her touch legitimised her presence, as if before this Therese was just a projection with no material reality. But she was here, before her, a year after what her lawyers delightfully dubbed the ‘events of the winter’. She was here and she was whole. She was nothing like she had been before but everything she had always been. Now she was a professional photographer, working for her own self, living for her own grain. Both of them spoke nothing; Carol never thought she would be thankful for Stevie’s ability to chew anyone’s ear off. She watched Therese politely excuse herself, quietly walking away from this awkward exchange. She had so many questions. What are you doing now? Do you like your job? How have you been? What’s happened since last February? Do you hate me? Will you ever forgive me? All the questions she has been begging to ask but never had the courage to in all this time, but now it was too late to dwell on past regrets. They were beyond a point of redemption, now they were merely strangers who once held feelings for each other. Carol had never forgotten those feelings, never dared to and merely bore them in her heart and lived with the futility of them. It was incorrect to say those feelings came back to her now after seeing Therese because these feelings never left but now these same feelings would need something stronger than wine to repress.

The hall open to a balcony, Carol stood by the ledge and looked over to the city that never slept, wind chill cutting into her cheeks. Everyone around her talked in hushed murmurs, with a drink in hand and a partner to address. Her martini was no help in this situation at all, neither was her fifth cigarette. This had been the closest they had been in a year and all that pining, all that history, all that happened, boiled down to just a handshake and a silent departure. Why did she feel so disappointed? Had their time apart turned her so delusional for her to think that there would have been more, a declaration of love? Whose to even say Therese loved her before, a sorrowful reunion with a promise of a future? She knew by now not to dwell in childish daydreams but what use was it to argue with her warzone of a mind, what had she hoped for so dearly that it left her feeling so empty? Feeling emptier than before. Therese had probably found another, why shouldn’t she have, a beautiful woman in her late 20s with a mind of her own would have trouble with men but the ladies are another case, but something about her eyes clung on to Carol’s conscious. She thought of the first time she met Abby after they ended, had Abby seen the same thing in her eyes, did she feel the same way as Carol did now. She wanted to run back into the room and find Therese, who was probably happily going about her job, and ask her everything that ate at her mind and sat deep in her stomach. Instead she decided to make her way to the bar and get another martini, drink her way to the bottom of it and then quietly exit this venue, only to breakdown in her house with the same questions on her mind. What fun, she laughed at herself. She reached into her purse in pull out her lighter again, then came the blow of sudden weight against her and cool liquid travelling down the front of her dress.

“OH my goodness I am so sorry!! I didn’t mean to!!” Some young socialite started to frantically apologise to Carol.

“Oh don’t worry yourself.” Carol spoke flatly.

“Where would the ladies room be?”

She reeked of champagne and she felt chilled to her bone. She quickly went into the restroom and locked the door behind her, sighing against the back of it. She took a deep breath, silently praying that the whole place would be empty and walked past the wall that divided the doorway and the main area. There was someone hunched over the sink and the overbearing smell of booze and vomit suffocated the air, and that someone wore the same jade dress that plagued her mind all night. She was at a loss of what to do, if anything at all. She wanted to comfort Therese but her presence would only cause more complications. Therese shifted a little but didn’t acknowledge her presence. Carol was worried now, she wanted to rush to her side and hold her and it set her being on fire knowing she couldn’t do so. What should she say? Why say anything? Why say it now? Therese finally looked up at her. She looked ghostly, glassy eyes and her face pale. She couldn’t bear the sight of her like this, instinct be damned she was not going to just stand there. She walked over to stand beside Therese and gingerly placed a hand on her back and one on her arm. Now she could see the streaks of tears on her face, she swelled with angry at the thought of what had done this to Therese.

“Therese, are you-“

“You’ll never leave me alone will you?” Therese spat.

That wasn’t a question; it was a declaration. It was a surrender, an unwanted acceptance. Carol fell speechless, she knew no way to answer that, she hadn’t a clue as to what it truly meant in that moment. Her thoughts ran with the possibility of Therese of still feeling something for her. But only after a moment it struck her, she had done this to Therese. She ruined a perfectly good evening for Therese and turned her into this mess that was before her.

“Therese, I –“

And before she could complete it, lips were on lips and she was being pushed on to the sink sill. She felt hands running all over her dress, desperately trying to get rid it. The kiss was harsh and angry, it held nothing of the love and tenderness that Carol dreamed of every night and even though she wanted to give in, this had to stop before it turned into another thing she could regret. She pulled away with effort, holding Therese back by her shoulders; she looked into her eyes that closed shut immediately.

“Don’t. Let me do this before I have time to think.”

“We shouldn’t”

“Even if I asked you to?” Therese sounded hurt.

“Especially if you asked me to.”

Therese stepped back and let Carol smooth her dress and hair out. She looked dejected, the red tips of her ears telling Carol that she was ashamed of herself. Carol cleaned up quickly and led Therese out of the bathroom. They both had a silent agreement of sorts. She didn’t stop to say goodbye to anyone and quietly walked out in to the street and hailed a cab. Therese followed her without as much as lifting her eyes of the ground. Therese mumbled her address and they headed towards her apartment, it wasn’t the same address as last December. Carol would drop her home safely and leave and though it was not the right time and both of them weren’t in a coherent state of mind, she hoped she would get to properly say goodbye this once. She hadn’t forgotten what it meant to be near Therese right now and what would happen if she were caught, it scared her but not enough to completely abandon Therese in the state that she was. Therese lent her head half way out of the open window, letting the cold wind hit her face and cool her senses. The frosty air that wisped into the car numbed the tips of her fingers and her nose, Carol wanted to tell Therese to close the windows lest both of them catch a cold but she couldn’t find the words. Therese’s apartment soon came up, they stepped out of the cab and Carol helped Therese inside. She should have stopped at her doorstep but Therese leaned into her to balance her step and every time she touched her, it made it harder and harder for her to stop.

Her apartment was definitely bigger now but not big enough for it to look empty, the walls painted a nice shade of blue-green that had now faded and looked dull. Framed art work hung on walls, books filling the bookshelf and pictures drying in the kitchen were the only things Carol could associate with Therese’s old apartment. Therese sat down on her couch and Carol went into the kitchen to get her some water. Every instinct in her screamed for her to leave, to get out and run, this was dangerous, a risk she shouldn’t take and yet she couldn’t get herself to want to leave. It was seeing Therese after so long that had done something to her, but the moment Therese kissed her, her mind had ran with it’s fantasies and played with her reality, it loosened her stance on what was correct and urged her to indulge in what was needed. She handed Therese the glass of water and stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room. Therese hadn’t looked at her since and still sat looking at the floor, loosely holding the glass but not moving.

“I’ll see you to bed and then I’ll leave” Carol spoke almost to herself.

“Leave. Just like you always do. Some might consider it a hobby.” Therese finally spoke, the first indication that she had been truly conscious since they entered the cab.

“Why are you here Carol? Why can't you leave me alone? Why can't I forget you?"

Carol was struck by the words coming out of Therese’s mouth. She had thought Therese was happy without her, that she had found a life beyond Carol but what was in front of her was far from the picture in her head. She could see Therese’s inner conflict, even she didn’t know whether she wanted Carol to stay or leave. All she knew was that Therese was not going to let her speak so all she could do was stand by and listen. She steeled herself to face whatever Therese would say.

"What do you want? I have nothing to offer. You took every inch of me with you, I have nothing left to spare. What did I ever do to you?? Why were you so cruel?? I was in love with you so why do you still punish me for it?!?" Therese spoke slowly, reeling in all the anger she had within her.

These questions had no answers, only apologies that would never get the chance to be said let alone be accepted. Pain is a familiar accept of life now but one never really knows the real face of it until they realise that they caused it to the person they love the most. Knowing you were the reason your beloved cried and hurt to the extent of having lost themselves was worse than being in pain yourself.

_I was in love with you_

That cut deep into her skin. It was like bleeding out to the thorns of a rose. The beauty of the rose was the assurance that Therese had loved her. But thorns bore into her skin because she merely loved, it was a thing of the past now and Carol’s present of still loving Therese would never be matched. And she had no one else to blame but herself, sure she had her reason to leave and that reason was Rindy but she couldn’t blame Rindy for never being the mother she deserved and she couldn’t blame Therese for not understanding cause why did she need to understand? What was the need to understand when you are hurt and all you want is for it to stop paining, whether it took blaming someone else or losing who you are.

"I tried so hard to forget you I really did. Hell I even found someone but I could never make her happy because all I did was think of you when I was with her. I held your name back from my lips when I was in bed with her. She was fucking miserable with me because I couldn't love her like she did me because of you. You are like a plague, spreading its disease simply by existing." Therese was livid. Her knuckles turn white around the glass as she spoke with her head bowed and the true extent of her angry held back behind grinding teeth and a locked jaw.

Insults she heard everyday from her therapists, the cutting look on Harge’s mother’s face, the judgmental eyes of an entire jury on the day of her hearing all combined were nothing compared to the acidity with which Therese spoke. What evil had she done for her to be the catalyst of all the hate she didn’t know Therese was capable of. This girl who was always quick to forgive, eager to please, ever willing to trust now held enough venom in her words that made Carol feel like she was dying. She refused to listen further; she heard the message loud and clear and didn’t need Therese to go on lowering her into her grave.

“I hear you. You hate me. I’ll be going now” She turned her back to Therese but before she could even set a foot forward she heard Therese rise up.

"But that’s the problem, that I don't hate you. I still don't hate you. Maybe I hated you when you first left, when I got my job, when I felt new and reborn, independent, I didn't need you. But that new excitement got old. Work wasn't enough, people weren't enough, alcohol wasn't enough. I have tried everything but I can’t fill this you shaped hole that's been cut from me. I can’t wash you out. I can’t let go.” Carol closed her eyes; she didn’t want to hear this. Therese still loved her and for the first time she didn’t want to know that.

"And you got your life back, a husband to care for you, a loving daughter, enough money that you could take anyone on a charming road trip. You should be so happy and I still can't hate you. When you are living without any of the consequences and I am left with nothing but whatever empty life I had before you”

"Without any consequences? Therese you were never so dull to believe such rubbish.” Carol could no longer listen patiently. She had had enough of standing by and watching her life fall apart in front of her. She won’t stand for whatever farce Therese thought her life had been, she wouldn’t stand for Therese not knowing that she was nothing without her.

“I have doctors treating me for a condition I don’t have. Making me a patient for instability I don’t feel. And that does a number on your brain. My own daughter hates me for it. She hates me for the pathetic excuse of a human I have become and I can't blame her. I left you, the only joy I have known for the last 20 years, to makes sure she didn't have to grow up without a mother. But what mother am I to her?? What a mother I am when she purposefully shuts the door before I can tuck her in. When she doesn't tell me how school been or what she wants to eat. I wonder how long before she starts forgetting to say her hellos to me. I don’t have my daughter and its all my fault. Is that not a consequence to you, Therese?? Does that seem like a happy life to you?? Or is it just easier to believe a lie??”

“If believing that I am happy without you makes it easier for you then so be it. But know that I am not happy; that my body aches for you still, that I still play the record you gave me every night and live in the memories we made together, and that those memories are the only respite I have in my day”

“Why are you telling me this? I don’t want to hear it” Therese looked away from her again. Carol wanted to grab her face and force her to look into her eyes, she couldn’t bear to speak to her like this anymore, as if she was talking to a brick wall, absorbing only a little of the sound and reflecting everything back to echo and fade out.

“Because I love you” And that was that. Now everything they couldn’t say in the year that they were apart had come out.

Therese threw the glass down on the floor, glass shattering into a million tiny pieces. Water spluttered everywhere and only now did Carol realise how untidy her apartment was. Carol rushed to her, hopping over the broken glass and grabbing her wrists before she did anything more violent. Therese struggled against her and she wrapped her arms around her. Therese started to hit Carol’s chest, half-heartedly as if trying not to actually hurt her.

“Then why did you leave? Why did you leave me?” Therese demanded.

Carol held her still as her movements slowed. Fists relaxed and her hands dragged down her shoulders to her collar, hands bunched up the fabric of her dress and then her forehead fell forward to Carol’s shoulder. She knew why she left and she knew Carol had no choice. Therese’s entire body shook as she sobbed into Carol’s shoulder.

“Why didn’t you come back?”

Carol crumbled. Everything flooded back to her, the roadtrip, the lunches, their Christmas, their conversation about train sets, how she thought Therese was the most beautiful and fascinating thing she ever saw the minute their eyes met across the department floor. Both of them clung on to each other as they wept and held each other for the longest hour. Carol strangely felt whole again. To be vulnerable in Therese’s arms again made her life return to her. What had she stupidly given up? Was this their second chance? Did she deserve a second chance?

“I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.” Therese pulled herself back and broke out of Carol’s embrace.

“That’s okay. I am willing to wait for you.” Carol tried not to sound hurt but she would have to give Therese her space. This was too much for both of them to fathom in one night. They were both still unsure as to what everything they said tonight meant, if anything at all. Whether the words they spoke to each other tonight weren’t just white noise in the background of their heartbreak.   

“Will you stay the night?” Therese’s voice wavered; she was trying to hold the question back but couldn’t.

“If you want me to.” Therese’s eyes finally softened, even though just a little bit. She felt hope behind a mountain of internal conflict. Carol wished she could ‘ve had that hope in her too but she knew this was all banal. She would have to leave in the morning regardless of how much she wanted to stay but this time she would have to come back, some way, some how.

“I.. I still have a shirt of yours that you left in my suitcase.” She spoke so softly that Carol would’ve missed it if they weren’t sitting on the same couch. She waited for Therese to come back with the cream coloured silk shirt she had sorely missed.

“I’m surprised you didn’t throw it out” She ran her hands over the fabric. Therese’s showed her bathroom and she quickly got out of her dress. She pulled the shirt over her and buttoned it, it smelled of Therese now and she wondered if she spelt in this shirt on their nights apart.

Carol lay awake in the guest bedroom, tossing and turning, wistfully looking at her door, hoping Therese would come to her. She never felt herself fall asleep but suddenly woke up as the first rays of sunlight hit the window. Unsure of where she was, she quietly got up and looked around, immediately seeing the pictures on the wall she remembered she was still at Therese’s apartment. She made her way to the kitchen, trying not to make even the slightest of noise lest it woke Therese. She made Therese some breakfast with whatever she could find in the fridge. Not knowing where everything was made making simple sandwiches a task that cost her an hour. She wrote a little note to remind Therese to get lots of fluids and to get groceries. She signed it off with a quick apology. That’s all she did these days, apologise for everything she was and anything she did. She rushed out of the apartment.

Her house felt like a quiet hell. The entire house showed no sign of living, everything was in place where it was supposed to be and not even the light that entered through the foyer glimmered the same way it did on trees. There was an unsettling stillness that made the house look like a painting and not so much a place of comfort. The quiet sharply contrasted with the noise in Carol’s head. She had to go to Harge’s place this afternoon. Another lunch. Where she could eat all the flavor free food for twice the mental damage. Why should she bother? Its not like her daughter was dying to see her and Jennifer is always a delight, so she would stay in. She needed food, she needed rest and most importantly she needed a drink.

Her brain ran a mile a minute, going over last night, going over today, going over tomorrow, she felt like smashing her glass of rye into her head just so that she could get some silence. But the world never lost an opportunity to mock her and with an urgent knock on the door came the loudest wake up call she could get.

“Why are you here Harge?” Carol would try to sound okay but at this point her face wasn’t going to hide the exhaustion that clung to her bones.

She wasn’t in the mood for another directionless argument.

“That’s rich. Where have you been?” Harge had sounded surprised. He might have forgotten what she truly was before he turned her into a dog that ate out of his palm simply because it had no choice to.

“At a friends. The exhibit went on till late so I stayed at her place”

“Bullshit. I checked with Abby. You weren’t even there.”

“I have other friends besides her Harge”

“Don’t tell me you found another shop girl Carol.” Carol’s eye widened. Her head throbbed as she bit back her anger. Her entire being was being tested at this point. She was running out of patience.

“Didn’t you think to call? Didn’t you think I would be worried? Didn’t you think your daughter would be worried?”

Always with the daughter card. He uses her as a weapon against her and she surrenders to it each time. Not today. After a year of feeling helpless, alone, depressed, after a year of fighting to live another day for Rindy, her patience had finally run out. All that patience amounted to nothing but turning the people she loved into machinations of her sadness. If that patience turned Rindy into nothing but a leash for Harge to keep her in line with then she had no use for this patience. Rindy isn’t a weapon. She is her daughter and if she has to leave her for her to be treated like a human, so be it.

Carol started to laugh, her eyes bearing the complete look of insanity, body stiff in an uncomfortable way. She bared her teeth as she snarled at Harge.

“The same daughter your mother has almost engineered to call me Carol instead of mommy, the same daughter you use against me like it’s knife to the throat. Have some compassion. You are her father for Christ’s sake. Just because I don’t love you-“

“Oh don’t fucking start this again Carol. Come home. I’m worried about you.” Harge couldn’t soften his voice even if he spoke through silk but Carol appreciated his effort. She didn’t know what he was hoping to do with it now because now everything as too far gone.

“Harge. I don’t love you. I don’t care for you the way you care for me. That is a failing in me and I accept that I am wrong to not let a man like you give me the life I deserve.” Every word tastes of putrid bile on her tongue. Men and their egos, she thought. She would have to lie and appeal to him even after all he had done just to hopefully catch his attention long enough for him to listen.

“But our daughter does not deserve to be used against each other. She is just a child, why are we doing this to her? She deserves two loving caring and happy parents and look at us Harge, we aren’t happy.” Her mind worked like a photo album. It showed her every moment she could remember seeing Rindy bow her head and close her eyes whenever they fought. Her soul wept for what she had done to this sweet girl and knowing she hadn’t enough time to make it up to her.

“What are you trying to say Carol?” Harge is now alarmed but the thought of his daughter did calm him. If nothing else, Harge was a good father, he loved his daughter more than anything and as much as Carol hates to admit it, he could give Rindy everything and she couldn’t. She couldn’t give her every single toy to indulge her, she couldn’t give her the grand Christmas tree in their estate, and she couldn’t give her grandparents, all she had to offer was her love. Though once she would have foolishly thought that was enough, it wasn’t.

“What I am trying to say Harge is that I am leaving. For good this time, the papers will be signed as soon as they are made. Rindy stays with you.” Therese’s words ring in her ears.

_Leave. Just like you always do. Some might consider it a hobby._

“Where will you go? What will I tell Rindy?” Harge started to get angry, as if he could deter Carol’s stance. Not this time, not for the life of her.

“It doesn’t concern you where I go or what I do. I am going to be fine on my own. And as for Rindy, my arms will always be open for her and I will live like a half without her. But I can only be her mother if you allow me to, until then I am just Carol to her and I wont accept that.”

“Good bye Harge.”

Carol shut the door in his fuming face. She was glad that he had the decency to leave after that. Whatever war came after this they would handle in a later time but for now Carol wanted to rest. She felt a huge weight lifted off her shoulders but the price of it bore too much on her conscious and she fell to the floor in tears. She had let her daughter go. She wouldn’t be there to see her grow, be there to comfort her first heartbreak, celebrate her first achievements, she knew it was for the better. She just wished she didn’t need to be the martyr this time. The ground felt cold and clinical, like the floor of a medical room, her tears felt cold against her cheek and her body felt numb. How much time had she spent just lying there on the floor? Did her bones have the strength to get up? The phone blared through her house, the echo worsening the pitch of the sound. She dragged herself to her feet and to the phone. Her entire body felt like dead weight that latched onto her skeleton like chains.

“Hello?”

“Carol, Are you okay? You haven’t called or left a message. You worried me you nitwit.” It was Abby.

Carol told her everything for start to finish. The exhibit, what happened in Therese’s apartment, and the conversation with Harge; and Abby listened like she always did. She heard every word and responded only in select places, it was only in these times her blunt mouth picked their words carefully.

“So are you going to go back?” Abby concern made it through the receiver.

“Go back to where? Have I a place to go?”

“To Therese I mean.” Abby finished.

“I don’t think I should. Why would she want me back?”

“That’s the thick of it. There is no reason. You need her. So why shouldn’t you try?”

_Why didn’t you come back?_

“Do something for yourself this time.”

Their conversation ended with proper goodbyes for once. Lest Therese rejection is the final nail in her coffin, and she left without saying goodbye to Abby, she would never hear the end of it even in afterlife. Her feet lead her to same doorway she was in front of last night. Russian roulette had always been an interesting way to gamble, see how many times you get lucky before the bullet ends you. The numbers on her door felt like a barrel of a gun pointed directly at her. She knocked. Footsteps came to the door and she half expected to see Therese in her plaid skirt and white shirt again.

“You left. Again.” Therese looked alarmed but not surprised. She stood with the door open halfway open as if Carol would push her aside and rob the place.

“I know, I-“ Any confidence Carol had mustered in the distance between New Jersey and here had immediately been faltered by the coldness in Therese’s stance and voice.

Therese and Rindy had been the only two things keeping her alive. She had already lost Rindy and if she did nothing to get Therese back, if she stood in silence today too, she wouldn’t ever forgive herself.

“I know.” She breathes it out.

“But I came back. And I am here to stay.” She says it straight into Therese’s eyes, searching for something what would help her predict her answer.

“If you let me.” Carol finished but Therese still didn’t stir.

“Would you?” She was insisting, begging, hoping, praying, doing anything that would make Therese even consider letting her back into her life.

Therese dropped her head and shook it from side to side.

And there was the answer Carol waited for. It struck her right in between her eyes and left through the back of her skull, ripping out her brain with it. She thought she would cry or break or do something but she felt numb. Her whole body felt lifeless and she would need the rest of her strength to walk away from this.

As she is about to walk away she hears Therese whimpering and sobbing.

Therese raises her head and tears are streaming down her cheeks, she has a look on her face as if she has been released from shackles at long last.

“Yes. Yes I would.” Therese nods.

Carol lets out a laugh. She can’t believe it; the reality of it seems laughable to her. She has come alive again, tears fresh in her eyes too, she is afraid to move in case it broke this dream and woke her up.

Then Therese pulls her into the apartment and locks the door. Carol pushes her against the back of it and kisses her, slowly, fully savoring the in the reality that was Therese. This was no dream but a miracle.

Time after which is forgotten within one another, going along familiar curves that she never had the proper time to love. How long had went by in each others arms, bodies working in one rhythm, producing hymns that now filled the room, they didn’t know and frankly didn’t care. It was hard to remember what day it was when Therese dug her nails into her back and shouted out her name, or when she curled her fingers inside her and everything in her head fell blank, so to remember what worry was had been difficult for both Carol and Therese. It was so easy to forget to worry when there were with each other. Right now she would love and leave worry for the times ahead. Carol had left worry for her the years ahead of her, for the up coming lawsuits, for Therese’s reply to moving in with her, to presenting her with a ring for her birthday, for the times Therese had a cold, for the times she came home late, for the times she felt insecure and thought Therese would leave, for the times they argued, and for now, years later when Rindy had demanded to see her mother for the day. She was a big girl now and hadn’t properly met her mother since she was 5. Carol was in a panic the whole day, of course she met Rindy twice a month for 4 hours before this but spending a whole day with her was a dream she never dreamt of. She fluttered about the apartment, smoking and cleaning, Therese ran out to grab last minute things they would need. Both of them bumbled with nervous energy. They had the entire day planned yet they still didn’t know what to do. So they worried and waited, hand in hand for Rindy to finally come home.

Rindy still ran into her arms even though now her mother couldn’t pick her up. They went into their apartment and spent what felt like lifetimes together. They had lunch, went to the museum, to the park and just like before, she decided to leave her worry for a later time because when the woman she loved and her daughter had been laughing together at something she couldn’t understand, she knew there was no room for worry when you were in love.


End file.
